Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The makings of a douchebag boss

You know that feeling you get in your stomach and lower bowel when you have to approach your boss about a matter, even something relatively benign, and you just know it's not going to be well received? I refer to that feeling as having "shit chills," and its direct cause is created by having a douchebag for a boss. I've had quite a few of these types of bosses in my working lifetime. And let me say this: you never get over the chills when dealing with a douche.

For instance, I had one previous employer who used every opportunity to belittle me as an employee, as a woman, and as a human being, and met every work-related question I had with a snarky answer. He was the type of jerk who might answer a question WITH a question. Not to teach a lesson like a college professor or life mentor might. No, this dill hole would do it just to watch me squirm. I knew whatever answer I gave was going to be wrong, thus, making me the dumbest person alive in his eyes. Sometimes, if I had a question, I would get the shit chills just realizing I had to go into his office to get the answer. More than two years later I can still see him now, smugly mulling his shitty response while leaning in his chair, picking his ear with a pen tip. What a douche.

Now, before I claim utter innocence, I do have a way of making bosses want to punch me in the face. I usually care very little about the actual work being performed, instead using work time to entertain coworkers with quips, high kicks and antics, write a blog or make personal phone calls. I rarely go beyond the call of duty and will never be rewarded for putting in the extra time. Some say I have a work attitude that is to be admired. They are usually not the ones who hired me.

Still, I always manage to get my work done and on time. I try never to bother managers or bosses with trivialities and often seek the help of others before finally breaking down and asking a superior for help. The way i figure it, out of sight, out of mind. I dont need to be on a boss's radar, especially if its not for good. But I have a way of finding trouble anyway. Some bosses have told me I laugh too loudly in the lunchroom. Some managers resent the fact that my coworkers typically like me and enjoy my company. Others think so little of me they outsource my job to Texas. Mostly, I have little respect for bosses. I do have a problem with people in authoritative positions, but that's only because they are often more lazy than me!

My younger, much younger, aforementioned boss has a passive-aggressive approach to managing, which typicially involves her feigning some small interest in my day, weaseling her way up to my cube and asking how it's going ... before dropping her lazy hammer upon my head. Yes, it's true. I am her bitch. And I will continue to take it with a smile until Texas calls in a few weeks to take over for me. She is saccharin-sweet and everyone just wants to "eat her up!" Except me. I'm waiting for it to rain.

Her boyfriend (also aforementioned) is a greasy fuck who manages a smaller group within his girlfriend's department. He is the one who most resembles a douchbag in training. He twists his face around iced-coffees and rocks in his chair while working on a sketch of something witty and hipster-like. He wears tattoos and low-slung jeans and all the corporate fuckers seem to want to eat him up too! They love this dickhead! And when I'm studying him instead of working, I conclude that he is useless, ineffectual, and has a fantastic way of looking busy, pleasing others and making friends. He is the ultimate DIT!

He has every reason to believe that someday he will be calling the serious shots. He will be the one giving his staff the shit chills and making them feel worthless. His ears will bleed but not because of my words. He is too high above me to hear them.

This is just the tip of his pen cap.

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